李骏杰 Jeremy Lee / 现在：完美时态

不需要用纸笔画正字，和李骏杰 Jeremy 的对谈中，重复得最多的是「我个人觉得…」、「在我而言」之类的句子。其中所强调「我」，并非沿自于自我中心，而是在经历等待和自我迷失后，不慌不忙地捡拾自己的种种，才好不容易地矗立起自身的价值观，也确立了在 MIRROR 的位置：“早前很常说的上弦和下弦，我觉得挺有趣的，刚好可以套用动漫里十二个角色。这几年最大的体会，是只要知道自己是个怎样的人，那我就不害怕比较了。”当刻的日子，自身的节奏，对Jeremy来说都完美不过。

你要耐心等待

难忘Jeremy在叱咤颁奖台上的瞬间「变脸」，捧着男新人奖金奖奖座，这边哭得双眼发红、说谢辞也结结巴巴，起了歌，瞬间就把眼中的红化做媚惑，心头同时也定了：“不是说得奖后自觉很威风，而是安心和自信许多，觉得可以继续走我的路。过往我一直是没安全感，也在意外界想法的人。”由十四、五岁开始出席大小各样的试音，开初练了两首歌就自以为准备充足，多次失败后才去上课，后来再试音已是十八岁的事，经已超出年龄规定，那段时间是他最接近放弃的边缘，打算做个低调的普通人，或是打工去当空少罢了。

“During the long wait, the biggest demon in my heart was the desire to give up. At that time, I thought maybe I wasn’t meant for this industry. I couldn’t see the end during the waiting period. I knew that hard work would yield results, but how long should I keep trying? Why do I always have no results? This is a question I constantly ask myself, and it is the most tormenting thing during the wait.” It took him three years to release his own work after his debut, and he knew that many people thought he had waited for a long time. But during those three years, he knew he wasn’t ready yet, so he focused on various experiences. The waiting was not difficult, and it was definitely worth it.

妖媚的危险与致命魅力

Looking back at the “Produce 101” competition, he described himself as a blank slate with limited stage experience. Everyone said that Jeremy was very K-Pop, but lacked personal characteristics. Mentor Liu Meimei suggested that he develop a more enchanting style. At that time, he purely believed that the mentor was earnestly searching for everyone’s shining point and didn’t want to disappoint her good intentions. He also wanted to fulfill the task she had in mind for him. However, being enchanting is not as straightforward as being masculine. The boundary is relatively blurred and it is difficult to grasp. He said, “The danger of performing like this is that if you’re not careful, you might end up looking like a man pretending to be a woman. ‘Is it not good for a male singer to perform normally?’ There might be such voices. Will people dislike my enchanting performance? I have a lot of concerns in my heart. After all, in this industry, I hope that the audience will like me and remember me, but I don’t want them to remember negative things. At that time, I really didn’t have strong confidence in handling it.” He started by imitating and on his reference list, Hong Kong’s representative was Roman Tam and “Brother” Leslie Cheung. Brother wore Manolo Blahnik red high heels with bright beads on the “Crossing 97 Concert” and Jeremy thought it looked particularly good. Whether Brother was wearing Manolo Blahnik or a Jean-Paul Gaultier men’s skirt, it all seemed natural and that kind of fusion was what Jeremy wanted to learn. In addition, he mentioned Taemin from the Korean group SHINee, who presented a bewitching androgynous charm in his solo work, as well as a unique sense of youthfulness, which broadened his imagination.

「Everyone interprets ‘yao’ differently, and it should be based on expressing who you truly are. If you want to convince others, you must first convince yourself. Even if I want to interpret ‘yao,’ I can’t just force myself to be ‘yao’ and pass. If I do it forcefully, it will never be genuine. So I have to spend several years brainwashing myself, believing that I can do it. Now it has become my personal style and it’s easier to express the ‘yao’ that my heart desires. That’s why I’m not afraid, because I’ve always been like this.” Every performance, he tries to add some clever ideas and designs, based on the comments from fans after the performance, as well as carefully observing his expressions and body movements on stage, so that he can do even better next time.

举例是 2021 年 MIRROR 演唱会上《Monster》的个人环节，最初是正常跳舞，后来数场似乎能再去尽一点，于是就加入舔手的动作。慢慢地冒险，慢慢把事情推往极致，另一场观众就能见证不一样的他。正如本月推出的第四首个人作品《CLOSER》，以西班牙组曲风格勾勒单恋的曖昧不明，有别于去年的黑暗和内心独白，今年迎来一阵明朗轻快的心跳：“去年三首作品围绕自我发掘，现在很多人都处于迷茫状态，希望大家听了能发掘到喜欢的、想要的模式，继而做选择，再爱自己。生活已经够艰难了，我希望大家做人能做得舒服点。”

在一众写实和虚幻的艺术门派中，怪诞派（Grotesque Art），或是所引伸的怪诞美学（Grotesque Aesthetics）是在主流艺术史中存有空白，但也在近年艺坛中静静冒起的一块。去年威尼斯双年展「奥秘艺术」分部当中，亦以「女巫的摇篮」（The Witch’s Cradle）与「赛伯格的诱惑」（Seduction of the Cyborg）呈现怪奇魅力。作品不少是建基于日常的面容，却同时把人的神态扭曲或夸大来呈现，夹杂着黑暗、甚至诡异的质地。虽和大众审美未必完全相符，却令人久久难以忘却。在开始踏上妖媚之路前，Jeremy 已知这尚未成为大多香港听众里能接受的事，但他对妖有着自家的解释：“妖可以是中性，但我的妖并非完全中性，可以很姣，但同时可以很霸气。我的样子算不上花美男，更要走偏个性的那种。”

From moisturizer to male imagination

妖，从「女」字部，舞台上游走于雌雄之间，在工作上也间接地扩阔着大众对性别的想像。有人形容在 MIRROR 十二子中，Jeremy 是最适合当化妆品代言人的一位，过往化妆品市场几乎是女生天下，现在已是不同世界。追溯到连男士护肤品也尚未普及的年代，他笑言中学时到店铺买瓶保湿液也战战竞竞，尴尬鬼祟得如小偷：“我觉得社会对男性外型的接受程度确是广阔了，愈来愈多男艺人卖化妆品广告，很多男性开始遮瑕、画眉。人人都想变靓仔、靓女，如果有个方法让自己变好，为什么不去试呢？”

外表虽然进步了，但内在是否正急起直追，似乎是个问号。Jeremy苦笑地形容自己从小说话都像蚊滋般轻声细语，不时被家人直指男生说话要大声点：“『因为你是男生』是经常性被提及的，但我的声音本来就是这样，为何要控制我说话的声量呢？还有我也蛮常哭的，于是常被提男子汉大丈夫不能哭，这些都烙印于我的脑中。”当时是怎样熬过来的？下次就多少提高一个分贝，或是躲到房里哭，起码有尝试在视线范围内过满足过别人。

後來，甚至說是近年，他才慢慢有能力無視那堆上一辈流传下来的期望，以及大量不必要的框架和压力。哭不过是一种情绪表达，男人也可以这样宣泄，毋需被既定印象规范，被有违本性的陌生人寄居于躯体。「人之所以有趣，就是因为每个人都是不同的个体，这世界有几十亿不同的人，有各自的性格和喜好，在相遇后才能有火花。这正是我近几年的体会，先接受自己，就会觉得身边人的看法其实不那么重要。我对我自己的评价，和你想象的不一样，只要觉得自己没错，你想成为一个怎样的人，实在与其他人无关。」

Maybe some people think that at this age, they should be moving forward quickly with popularity, but Jeremy is truly satisfied with the current comfortable pace: although he is a bit busier than before, he sees his desired career slowly developing and is happy to live alone with the freedom to do as he pleases. When he returns home, he has his beloved cat Nana cuddling by his feet. Perhaps one day, he will have the ability to move to a house where he can see the ocean, and waking up in the morning to breathe in the deep blue expanse would be even more perfect.

_{执行制片人：莫安格斯
摄影师：梁健
艺术指导：孔美美和梁健
造型：孔美美，助理：Yoanah Chan
摄像师：谭家信，江志文和黄辉
视频编辑：谭家信和黄辉
布景设计：Lit
文本：陈菁
化妆：Cherie Wong @ Annie G. Chan化妆中心
发型：Lydia Yung @ Chic Private I沙龙}